My way of coping

It's been a while since I last updated my blog so thought I would write a little. As I mentioned in a previous blog a lot of things can trigger my eating disorder to get worse and unfortunately what my cousin did to me has. I would like to give her a massive pat on the back for being so spineless and greedy, I know she will read this at some point so I hope that she can live with herself as I personally wouldn't dream of doing what she did to me to anyone. For someone that showed so much compassion to begin with can turn so nasty is beyond me, I can only assume it's all a mask of what she is as a real person and that is her problem not mine, what goes around comes around. What really really makes me angry is the fact that she took money from my Mum and now she has no money and contemplating on giving her home up! I don't care about me as I know I'll get through it, but my Mum who is in her late 70's, wow what a big person both my cousin and her husband are! I am so glad I am not like them. That's my winging done, I don't want to waste anymore energy being angry so it's time to try and move on. I had my assessment at the eating disorder specialist and now been diagnosed with anorexia, but this time I am engaging and have attended a group session (not too sure what I make of that yet) and also having weekly therapy. I'm determined to get myself better, if not for my sake for my kids as they are my world. I am so proud of my kids, with everything that has happened in the past 6 years they have grown to be strong individuals and show so much confidence. I'll keep you updated as and when xx

I've spoken about my emotional wall and it's still there, I feel pretty numb with everything that has happened. What I can say is it took a lot of courage to open up about my past and to reach out for support. My eating disorder is still there, I have gone through a breakdown, the process of a divorce, the police and CPS so I can now try and overcome this illness. I still have negative feelings about myself, and I am still worried about what the future holds. I can say that for the first time in a long time, I am thinking clearer than I ever have. I will not allow anyone to knock me down anymore. Yes, I am back in debt but as I have said before money doesn't buy you happiness, people do. Of course, you can't live without money, but money isn't a big factor for me, I've never really had it which is probably why I value people more (and why I'm skint lol). It is all baby steps, but I hope that in a few years' time I will no longer be in the shadow I have lived in for many years. I just hope that this is encouragement for those that are where I was. I have learnt that you can't bury trauma, you have to face it head on and this will allow you to heal. You'll never forget, but in time it won't control your life anymore. For those that have been there to support me I really am thankful, I will include my cousin despite what she has done to me. I stumbled across a song on spotify , it's by RAYE 'Ice Cream Man and the lyrics written would relate to a lot of people, it's a pretty powerful song, listen to it if you can, here are a couple of chorus's: ' I should've left that place as soon as I walked in, how god damn dare you do that to me, really?' 'Everything you did, it left me in a ruin' 'I pushed it down, but it was living in me rent free and then I fell into some things that were unhealthy, a place where no one heard me and asking them to help me' 'I wish I could say how I feel, how I felt and explain why I'm silently blaming myself, 'cause I put on these faces pretending I'm fine, then I go to the bathroom and I press rewind. In my head. always going round and round in my head. Your fingerprints stuck a stain on my skin,. You made me frame myself for your sins. 'You pathetic, dead excuse of a man'

Making this statement has to be the hardest thing I have ever written. I am making this statement in relation to when I was raped at the age of 15 by ***** ********. I was a young & well-behaved girl. I was enjoying life and never got into trouble. From the moment I was raped my life changed forever. my personality changed, I no longer liked myself, I no longer cared for myself, I hated myself. Emotionally this crime has torn me to pieces. I kept everything to myself, only told my best friend straight after it happened. It wasn't until a few years later I told my mum but unfortunately nothing was ever done. I tried to carry on as normal, but I would find myself binge drinking to cope with my emotions. I drank until I couldn't remember. I have been suicidal at different periods of my life some of which nobody knows about as I close myself in. I also took risks, I would purposely walk into roads, knowing that there was oncoming traffic. On one occasion I climbed a barrier next to the Wyvern Theatre with the intention to jump but was pulled back by the bouncers of the nightclub that was open at the time. I was serving my own life sentence of self-hatred and loneliness. I had nowhere I could turn to, I felt ashamed and scared nobody would believe me. I was a shadow of my former self. No physical scars, but emotional scars that will never heal. I have had minimal relationships although I wanted to be loved and respected. I have always struggled to be intimate, to enable me to cope with this I would drink, and I have always hated it. 5 years ago, I decided to try and deal with what I had carried for years on my own, so I contacted SARC. This was the first time I had started to open up. During this period, I struggled, I suffered anxiety, having panic/anxiety attacks and feeling emotions I had never felt before. I started to feel mentally and physically sick. I suffered with high blood pressure, started to stockpile tablets as I was desperate for the pain to go away. With the support I changed GP surgeries and was taken to the doctors and was prescribed anti-depressants. My physical heath suffered; my eating became more restrictive, so I was encouraged to tell my GP. She then referred me to the mental health team which subsequently referred me to an eating disorder clinic. I have been an outpatient with them twice and was diagnosed with an eating disorder. I was advised that it was likely that it was due to control as it has been the only thing, I have been able to control. I still suffer from depression and still have an eating disorder. I struggle to listen, help myself as I have no respect for myself. I have support but feel like a burden, so I don't open up. They have enough going on in their lives and why should they support me when I don't listen. Every day I wear a mask and every day I cry. My innocent was taken away by an individual that thought it was OK to do so. I don't know if I will ever recover from what has happened. I don't know if I will ever have another relationship. I don't know what the future holds. I just know that I have suffered in silence for too long and he needs to take responsibility of what he has done not just at the time, but all the suffering since.

The day arrived of my long awaited meeting. This was my moment to raise concerns on how I was treated, my chance to understand their reasons. I met the stand in ISVA and we went onto a teams call, there was the person that did my review at CPS, a senior member of the team that oversees the area of CPS and someone taking minutes. She introduced herself and went through the processes. I already knew the processes as I had looked it up. I asked why my letters were being sent insecurely, raised GDPR with them. I was told that they never send letters on a Friday due to the weekend and helplines not always belong available, this did happen once. I also asked why the wrong police station was used in the letter. I then asked about the ID issue and it was explained that this was no longer the issue as he could be identified if needed as someone that had given a statement last seen him 5 years ago. Then it went onto the consent issue and I told them how it made me feel. Now the law back in 1991 is different to what it is now, I was told that if it happened after the law changed in 2003 it would have gone to court and probably given a guilty verdict, however prior to 2003 the law was different, the Sexual Offence Act of 1956 meant that no matter if it went to court they would not get a guilty verdict. I had already accepted it wouldn't go further but I wanted to get a better understanding, you see when you read something it is different to having the one to one, you can ready something completely different. I wanted an apology on the way I was treated and the pro longing of it, I did get this. This meeting was the meeting I wanted to then put closure on this, I didn't cry I just wanted the answers and I did get them. I did say I understand although I disagree, I did say this means that there are others that have encountered what I have but have not got justice because of the 1956 Act, she agreed but there is nothing that nobody can do. After the call the ISVA asked if I wanted a call in a few weeks, I thanked her but said no. I said this is the moment I need to put some sort of closure on this, time for me to try and get myself better. I left and felt like my opinions were heard and she did say she would follow some of them up in meetings to try and change the way that people are treated. It won't help me, but I'm hoping it will help someone else. The following day I built a fire in my garden with all the paperwork relating to CPS. I have not however burnt the impact statement I have written as I want this to be heard, I want others that have committed these offences to understand how much it can change someone. It'll be a difficult read for some, but I was prepared to stand in court and read it so I am prepared for it to be heard this way. Once I have posted it I will then burn it. This has consumed me so much of my life, well most of it and I don't want it to consume me anymore. It will never go away, but it will no longer control me.

I've mentioned my cousin a few times in these blogs, and she was very supportive when I was having my breakdown. This I do acknowledge, and I will always be thankful for. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here now and I'll never forget this. My cousin meant the world to me and I confided more to her than I had ever done to anyone else. I trusted her like I had never trusted before and she was my rock. As I have mentioned, I run a business and at my lowest time she offered to help (being paid to do it) to which I accepted. On one occasion I made a passing comment about her coming on board within my business. It was bought up again by her, at her house as she stood by her doorway and said that if she paid some money for shares I could get myself out of debt, she said she would do the training etc., so would add value to my business. Like I said I trusted her. Fast forward to 2021, right around the time I heard from CPS, right about the time I was extremely low she arranged an Accountant to produce the share certificates, they valued my business extremely low and before I knew it 50% of my business belonged to her. She didn't at one point thank me or give me a penny. Move forward a few months she became less involved, was too busy being what I call a del boy. Ducking and diving in lots of different things to get other sources of income. In the meantime I was so stressed with my workload, it didn't sit right with me that she was earning exactly the same as I was yet doing very little. Now she would dismiss this comment as she truly believes that what she did warranted her pay, but I can honestly say it didn't and she can't deny what she said to me about paying money for the shares or to do the training. During the time my cousin was a Director was the first time I had ever made a loss on my business, so I analysed the accounts (I usually left this to her) and then I wanted to speak with her in person. I drove to her house, felt completely unwelcomed and she decided the do a personal attack on me. I was so stunned and shocked, I actually couldn't respond not until a few days later. A few months later nothing had improved so I decided to find out exactly what she was doing for the business so I accessed her emails to discover she had deleted emails from the deleted box, I restored them and looked through each and every one of them I was absolutely mortified to find out how little she was doing. I think I only came across a dozen emails that related to the business, the rest were her company accounts for her other business, purchase of a property they were investing in, business plans for the property investment, personal pension withdrawals, business coaching by someone that has multiple failed businesses, promoting an unregulated ponzi scheme and so much more. Because of what I discovered and her attack on me that day I asked her to leave the business. I could no longer work with someone that thought so little of me. Now when I asked her to leave all she was interested in was money, now bearing in mind the year she was a director I made a massive loss, but she still asked for money for the shares she had not paid for, £30k!, yep you read it right £30k. Of course she didn't stop there and between her and her husband they became quite spiteful, redundancy, computer, membership to networking (which she actually didn't continue to do) . She knew full well how much the business meant to me, I had built it up from nothing by myself and sacrificing a lot. I was so scared she was going to sell the shares to someone else I ended up paying and getting myself back into debt. To this day I can't understand how anyone can treat another like this, obviously money rules her and her husbands head. It's all about status with them, they want to portray themselves as being more superior than others. All I can say is crack on, it won't necessarily make you happy. In total over the duration of 4 years she had approx. £145k from me, I was sad enough to add it all up. I'll never forgive her for what she has done, what they did is a pretty vile act. A lot of people have said she took full advantage of me when I was in a bad place and a huge amount of people are not impressed. I ended up moving the business completely away from near my cousin, which meant I had to let the staff go there. They walked the day I told them even though I was giving them notice, no fighting for their job, nothing. I saw them exit my cousins office, so again she probably influenced them and thought I wouldn't be able to cope, but what she forgets is I built this business up from nothing, I know it inside and out, plus nothing gets past me. It was completely the right thing to do and was made a lot easier after I discovered something which shocked me, a few words were said to me which were actually quite personal, but quite laughable.

I started to come to terms that the case would not go to court, but I wanted answers. I waited patiently for the result from the final review, I got a text out of the blue from my ISVA to check I was OK. I replied by saying yes, why? She had only been sent the letter via email and not me a week or so before I eventually got it. This time is was sent with a password. I opened it alone and this letter was so detailed it shook me. They upheld the CPS decision, but I was still so confused and wanted answers. I emailed CPS to request a meeting, they accepted this but it took a very long time to arrange. By this time my ISVA had left her employment so I requested a stand in ISVA just so I had a second pair of ears to listen.

I've learnt to never jump and make rational decisions; I always want to evaluate everything before making it. In time I read the letter and still couldn't get my head around it. Surely someone should be held responsible for this. As part of the process, I could ask for a review of the case, CPS actually don't give you very long to make this decision and I personally think they should extend this time, it will help those that struggle with the decision to decide on what they want to do. Because I was dissatisfied with the outcome, I eventually emailed CPS, I asked for a review. I wanted to know why this decision was based on his identification. Nobody changes that much that they cannot be recognised, he had a trail of arrests and convictions that proved he was who he was. I was even finding myself contacting the library to see if there were any stories written about him and any photos. CPS are only given a limited time to review a case, mine was actually extended due to the complexity of the case. Eventually I got a response, it was emailed to me insecurely. It started off by saying that I had reported the incident in a completely difference police station to the one I did report it too, it also had quite personal details on the letter. The decision was still to not take it further, but it was a completely different reason. I was told that they were satisfied that he was who he was, however, it was now because of consent. This shook me to the core as it felt like I had wasted the police time and I was now being disbelieved. I was angry, I had no confidence in the CPS, they got basic information wrong on the letter. The main reason was because I didn't say the word 'no'. I froze when it happened, I was a vulnerable 15-year-old that had no idea what was going on, he did not allow me to leave and would not let me go. Again, I wasn't satisfied with the decision, it just didn't make sense to me, so I asked for another review, the final one that I was allowed. This time it would be done by someone independent.

Eventually the time arrived for me to go to the SARC centre, I arrived at the same time as my ISVA and I knew straight away that it was not the news I wanted to hear. We both entered the room along with the officer in charge and sat down. He asked how I was and I told him I wasn't having a good day and it's about to get worse isn't it? He replied with, yes. CPS were not going to prosecute and the reason was his identification. I couldn't get my head around this, the hostel was very small and he had a sibling there so how hard could it be to identify him? I was told that he had been traced by a witnesses statement, however when he was arrested back in the 90's for an offence he commited whilst at the hostel no prints were taken and no photo was taken. He had actually gone to prison for this offence, yet the police had not done the correct procedure in his arrest. CPS also stated that there was more than one person with his name and date of birth, again I was very confused, I had done a lot research into him and I knew that there was only one person of this name and date of birth in Swindon? There had been another failing in the system, he had been arrested on several occasions and when someone is arrested/found guilty they are given a number, however this individual had been given several identification. I had been let down by the system. I was given a letter that CPS had given the officer. I couldn't read it straight away, I left and went for a drive, ignoring my phone as I did not want to speak with anyone. This individual changed my life, yet he was allowed to walk free. I endured over 2 years of investigation, why, why, why?

Before taking a case to CPS the police have to be satisfied that there is enough evidence, the officer in charge had gathered all of the evidence and put the report together. This happened the latter part of 2021. The CPS have specially trained prosecutors for rape and serious offences. To decide whether or not to charge the suspect they apply a 2 stage test set out by the Code for Crown Court Prosecutors. The first stage is the ‘evidential stage’. At this stage the prosecutor reviews all the evidence provided by the police and asks themself the question ‘Is there enough evidence against the suspect to provide a realistic prospect of conviction?’ That means, having heard the evidence, is a court more likely than not to find the defendant guilty? CPS went back to the officer in charge with several questions, mainly on his identification. The officer went back with the answers and we had to endure more waiting. I told him that when a decision is made I did not want to be told over the phone and asked him to contact my ISVA. Time went on and eventually I got a call from my ISVA, she wanted to arrange for us to meet at the SARC centre. I had to wait all day, my head was all over the place.